Anais Nin: You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.


A Lot of what I want to say...


I listened to my horoscope on Comcast On Demand this afternoon.

Susan Miller(Click on the name to read what I was told)told me that this upcoming week was going to be big for moving, family and real estate - which is what I was looking for.

I've been looking for one since I started packing up my things to move out of the funky ass Towers Residential Suites in May.

Lord KNOWS I wasn't going to move back into that triflin' shit they call a dorm. So I decided to look for something I've always wanted to look for.

I need a space where I can just think, create, love, cook, walk around naked in and live in. I need a sanctuary.

I needed something to motivate me, which is why I looked up my horoscope. And for once, it worked. Thank the heavens...


Why is it that when I need a job, MILLIONS of other people are looking for them too?

PLEASE DONT GET ME WRONG. I am in no way selfish, or self-centered, and I do realize there are other people in this country - but why?

Maybe I am just at the tail-end of my patience. Or could it be the fact that I am just loosing hope. Maybe It's a combination of the two. It could be something else. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

But I'm REALLY loosing patience. I think it's because I can't stand the fact everything is not looking BRIGHTER.

I think I am falling underneath the weight of all the things I have placed on my shoulders. I think that I am really stressed and worried. I have so few days left to do what I want.


I need something to set me back in the middle.

I don't know what that is.

A friend of mine suggested that It be sex....but then theres something keeping me from doing that. I'd love to. I just have an obstacle in the way.

Then she suggested a drunken night of story telling with the girls. I truly liked that I said "Yeah..."
But then she said "But is that something you really want to do?"
I felt like she peered right into the looking-glass that was my being and saw that I knew it wouldn't do anything for me. That I would be unsatisfied. That it would be very empty fun. So I said no, I really didn't want to.

She suggested that I go out and find someone...which wasn't exactly stupid as far as ideas go.
I just knew it wasn't possible for me to find the release im looking for in a relationship.

I thought back to this conversation and came to this question:

Realizing the quote that I have imprinted in my soul, "The real voyage to discovery lies not in the discovery of new landscapes, but in having new eyes." (Proust),

How exactly does one gain new eyes?

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